Life experience · The Reverend John Henry

On the Issue of Bigger Being Better

I recently bought a large TV. Not a HUGE television – I was standing in Target the other week beside a man who calmly walked up to the sales guy and inquired about a 95-inch model, so everything is relative – but large.

We needed a bigger TV. Obviously. It was time. I had reasons. Plausible, reasonable arguments that made sense.

My first argument surrounded John Henry, our recently acquired additional family member. JH was rescued and, as is not uncommon, has some abandonment issues. We are slowly (and half-heartedly at this point) crate-training him, but I much prefer including him in our activities. This now includes movie-watching, as even the most enlightened cinema doesn’t seem to encourage Dog-Friendly Viewings of the latest blockbusters.

So, if we cannot go to the movies (quite so often), then the movies must come to us. Hence, the TV.

Already, JH is enjoying himself more. He’s having an incredible amount of fun racing toward the screen, barking furiously, protecting us from the zombies, from other dogs, from a creepy contestant who lingers over-long with a pork loin on Chopped.

Argument #2 is frugality. Yes, really. My son has recently graduated high school and is looking to enter into the world of work to help finance his future studies. I need to model responsible fiscal behavior. Which means identifying something you want but can’t afford. And then saving up so you can afford it. Which is exactly what I did.

I am an amazing role model. And we have a huge screen in our living room to prove it.

My third and final argument is mind blowing in its simplicity. It was time. Like the salmon knows it’s time to spawn, like the wildebeest know it’s time to travel across the continent, like the Chopped contestant knows every item from the basket must be on the plate right now, I knew the time of the average-sized 42″ TV was over.

We live in a bigger, better world where detail matters, where retina-searing color matters. Where the only definition is “high”.

I hope these cast-iron examples of perfect reasoning make sense to you. They didn’t persuade my wife, not even a little. And the first time she sat in front of the new TV, she said, “Is this the new one? It doesn’t look that much bigger.” True story.

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