Million Dollar Ideas · Movies · Ms. Jordan Underfoot · The Reverend John Henry

Million Dollar Idea #1: A movie-review site for dog owners

I don’t know if you know, but there’s movie review sites out there specifically for Christian parents. It tells fellow concerned Christian parents about the current releases, paying special attention to issues specific to their target audience: is there, you know, any “funny stuff”? Any pre-marital hanky-panky? Do any of the characters take the Lord’s name in vain, maybe? General blasphemy, that kind of thing. The concerns of people who maybe don’t remember the whole of their own Good Book, just the bits that confirm their prejudices.

But I digress.

Because what I want to say is that this is a brilliant business model. And, if I were an ambitious go-getting kind of guy with a mind-blowing work ethic and endless time, I could become a millionaire just by adapting this model. But I’m not, and you’re probably just going to steal my idea for yourself. And that makes you a bad person.

My idea, you immoral bastard, is a movie review site for dog owners. Which you probably guessed from the title of this blog. I really need to work on how to build suspense in these posts.

Anyway, ploughing on, this is how it would work. While Christians have their issues with our godless mass media, dog owners have very specific concerns of our own. And every time we watch a movie in the comfort of our own homes, these issues come to the fore. Reviews would look something like this:

  1. At 2.17, a doorbell rings.
  2. At 16.58, a dog of indeterminate breed can be seen far in the background.
  3. At 25.23, dogs bark.
  4. At 34.17, an old-fashioned rotary telephone rings.
  5. At 40.09, an Irish Setter is onscreen for 12 seconds.
  6. At 57.59, close up of a human face.
  7. At 79.17, a scene in a zoo lasting 480 seconds.
  8. At 102.16, sudden appearance of a zombie.

This is the kind of information a dog-owner needs. Incidentally, please feel free to steal these script-writing beats and create your own screenplay. If I was that theoretical go-getter mentioned above, I’d run a script-writing competition and give out prizes. Can a person get rich doing that?

Just spit-balling here, but maybe film makers could be persuaded to make dog-owner-friendly versions of popular movies – like they make special edits for airlines. It would be a revolution in pet-owning. I could sit down for a movie, and not have to worry about my two furry film critics launching themselves at the screen whenever something they disapprove of (or especially love) appears on the screen.

Of course, we’d also have to have a blacklist – movies just too full of distractions to work for dog audiences.

  1. John Wick (the first one and “Chapter 2“).
  2. Planet of the Apes.
  3. 28 Days Later.
  4. Paddington Bear
  5. Marley and Me.
  6. Batman vs Superman (I don’t know if this has dog triggers, but it really needs to be on every blacklist in existence).

And that’s it. Keep paying attention: I have million-dollar ideas all of the time. There’s plenty more where this one came from.

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